Pass the Hot Potato
July 28, 2012 | By: Cristiane Cardoso | Posted in: Behavior, Rahab
If you are going through a situation that you don’t know how to solve, what do you do? Do you pass the hot potato to another person, or do you look for an expiatory lamb to justify the problem. Does this ring any bells or not? But this is how society and even us, human beings, act. Any form of abuse is a controversial topic that takes on huge dimensions. As much as there is an effort to solve, prevent, spread awareness, the results are minimal. So what should be done? Give names to the expiatory lamb! How many times do you hear comments or questions of this type: “What were you doing in that place at that time?” “Of course, just look at the clothes you wear!” “Ah, surely you let him on.” “Why did you have to talk back to your husband when he was drunk.” “Of course, you’re always talking to strangers on the street.”
And that’s where you, who suffered an abuse, automatically stay quiet because you fear hearing the same thing over again; you prefer to hear your own voice, that comes charged with fear, melancholy, shame, pain and blame. Way inside that voice says: I must have made a mistake somewhere for this to have happened to me. It’s best to carry this blame silently- I’ve already lost my self-worth – then having to listen to others accusing me.
Taking the blame is nothing more than a defense mechanism: if I accuse myself, whenever someone else accuses me it won’t hurt as much. Nonetheless, my friend, answer me sincerely: what fault does a child have if they were abused inside of their own home by someone that, until that point, had been said to be part of the family? If you can’t blame that child, then why have you been blaming yourself? The problem in question is not the person but the abuse. It takes courage to take the blame for something that you didn’t do, but next week I’m going to shed the light on an act that requires even greater courage: taking the facts for what they are.
I’ll meet you here.
Cristiane Cardoso
Author of the books "Better than a new pair of shoes", "V woman" and "Casamento Blindado" (Bulletproof Marriage). Founder of "Godllywood" and "Rahab Project". Presenter of "The Love School" at Rede Record.
What I perceive from this blog post is something totally different, I remember you saying that growing up tin a sheltered life meant that you were naive to lost things.. But here you are helping those who have been abused in the past despite having your sheltered upbringing. This is encouraging for me who hasn’t had a bad upbringing or gone through any sort of traumatic life experience and shows me as long as I serve God I can help anyone as long as I remain in connection with Him.
That’s so true and the problem it’s that once this defense mechanism is on, it’s not easy to turn it off. Because it changes the way I think. I am so used to take the blame for everything that I don’t even mind anymore.
Times like this only our God to re teach us the way it’s supposed to be.
Hello Mrs Cristiane,
Thanks for sharing
Reading this post made me remember a time when I was young, around 15, and a guy I knew took me in his car and we drove for hours. He wanted me to marry him when I turned 16 and I said no… He tried to persuade me, said he will give me so much money and I would never have a want in the world. I still said no… He had asked me many times before and I said no but I still go into a car with him… He took me far and beat me up and said I have to marry him or he will kill me… I was so scared but pretended to be brave and didn’t even shed a tear… I stood by my word of no and he said of I don’t agree he would kill me then and there, he had a knife with him and I could see by the look in his eyes he wasn’t kidding… I had seconds to think and just said “my answer is still no and if you kill me now you can’t work to change my mind and that will be dumb” he beat me up and then left me in the middle of nowhere… I said for years it’s my fault, why did I go with him, why did I allow myself to be with him, why was I even involved with someone so much older than me and no matter how I tried to look at it, it was my fault… I put the blame on me… Was too scared to go to the doctors or friends… I cried for months and months and got myself mixed up in all types of things because of it. I was terrified to be alone and I ended up being too scared to say “no” to anyone so was a push around. When I wasn’t with friends I felt so weak and helpless and I just thought I was perfectic… Until one day I realised putting the blame on him or me is not helping me at all. The real thing I needed to do was let go… It was so hard, and every time I would close my eyes or be alone the memories would come flooding back, and to let go and decide to look forward was one of the most difficult things I done… Even when I was getting help I never found the courage to say everything until one day I put God fully in my decision… It was still hard but it was capable hard… And not just hard… I was able to break free from my past and now years later I can honestly say it doesn’t effect me in a negative way at all
I’ve moved on and it was only through God I was able too
Smile & Shine
This is so strong for many woman who are going to this situation
They must know that it isn’t there fault…
This is quite true as i used to do this myself, i would always be the first to put myself down before anyone else had the chance to as i felt as though i was protecting myself and that it did not hurt as much. But overtime i realised that people did not see things the way i saw them and i was actually the one putting myself down and bringing the complexes.
I can totally idnetify with blaming your self as a defensebecause it is something I have often done and I think I was trying to protect myself. Like if I hurt myself with that fact nobody else can hurt me, it would not be so bad. Having been abused myself maybe it is a sytem of the abused. I am interested to read your next post but what I have learnt from this is blaming does not help and the last person you should blame is yourself, you did not do it to yourself But it is something you have to be free from I think.
Hello, Carla here from CF, RI.
I kinda of understand about letting oneself take the blame in some things. But I’m unsure what Dona Cristiane will say next. this will be interesting a different point of view in things. Which really makes a blog interesting.
See you there Dona Cris.
Carla,
See you there!
Here in the UK we have a culture of always saying sorry, and I’m guilty of it. I probably say sorry 6 times a day or more If I’m in central London.
Someone bumps into me I say sorry . Why?????
There needs to be logic, saying sorry to everything means that we are being unconfrontational and that is something that we shouldn’t be all the time or else we will be timid.
This makes me think more of the Victims in situations. It is so easy to blame the victim because they seem so helpless in their state of emotion. As Woman of God, we are to be used to give them a helping hand instead of bringing the victim further down. The above comments in quotes should never come out of our mouths, instead let’s remember to use words that are of encouragement to the victims. We practice this already in the people we evangelize to.
Thank you Mrs Cris. I believe that this will be a very helpful topic!
Thankyou Mrs Christiane for the message,Sometimes we blame ourselves for something that went wrong in our lives but that doesn”nt help us.So it is no use to blame but to sort it out.
Ms. Christiane I just went through this today and I received the email of your blog update this evening. I went through exCtly what you spoke about in this blog. Thank you for sharing it. Its a bit of a relief to know that i’m not alone with this problem and that God understands me. And that he’s still willing to help and is using you to do it. I understood this that I had fault but through you God is going to help me through it. God bless you much more ms. cristiane. And I so look forward to next weeks blog.
We don,t ask for abuse but it happening in our lives everyday. It is sad its happen mostly in families by people whom we love. That is why people take time speak out because of fear to bring humilation to the family or threaten by abuser,forgetting their pain. We need help of God.
Thank you
Precious
Dear Mrs Cris
Yes Blaming myself and listening to the voice that speak to me it will never help any me but seeking help from someone it really going to help.
Lindiwe Khanyile