The Mirror – My Friend
July 15, 2012 | By: Cristiane Cardoso | Posted in: Rahab
People react in different ways, right? I closed myself and dedicated myself entirely to my studies. But today I want to talk to you about a friend- another Rahab- that tried to hide her pain in a different way. My enemy, the mirror, was her best friend.
Instead of not taking care of her physical appearance, she invested all that she could in her beauty. She didn’t simply want to be beautiful, she had to be attractive. I wanted to just another face in the crowd, she wanted to be noticed, desired, lusted after. In order to do that she changed the way she dressed, behaved, she began to wear heavy makeup. When she spoke she transmitted pride and confidence. She charmed everyone, especially men, who competed for her attention.
Whoever looked at her would never venture to think that she was the fruit of violence and sexual abuse- she was very confident; but those that knew her, like me, without the physical and emotional makeup, understood that that was her way of dealing with the pain.
I sought a value to hang onto through my pursuit to gain greater knowledge; she looked for it in the power to dominate men and choose who she would have a relationship with, even if that meant breaking their hearts but never hers. She learned to use men, so that she would never be used; for many years of her life she rejected the word “love”. While she used those that were driven crazy by her appearance, inside she felt as if through each relationship she was getting back at the one who abused her.
But in spite of everything that she did, all of the relationships that she went through, all of the beds that she slept in, she could not manage to overcome what was inside of her. Now she was using and abusing others but when the moment came for her to recline her head on her pillow, the blame she felt for having been abused would creep up on her again.
Who knows if perhaps you are also like this Rahab? Do you defend yourself by making others suffer? Do you believe that the abuse has stolen your dignity and that there are no reasons for you to persevere, value yourself, love your body to the point of protecting it? This Rahab also found a way out.
The change started on the day that she understood that she didn’t need to use anyone to show how strong she was. Her strength was inside of her.And that’s exactly what we’ll talk about next week.
I’ll wait for you!
Rahab
Cristiane Cardoso
Author of the books "Better than a new pair of shoes", "V woman" and "Casamento Blindado" (Bulletproof Marriage). Founder of "Godllywood" and "Rahab Project". Presenter of "The Love School" at Rede Record.
this is very strong and it very true we need to learn how to value ourselves
Thank you for sharing
This is reality especially to those experienced the abise.
I watched my father physically abusing my mom for many years and I decided that I was done with love even more marriage.
The scars of our past always affects our future but I thank God for changing the mentality that I had, I am no longer bitter!
Thank you Mrs.Cris
I agree with Juliet. It’s so powerful that the strength to change is inside of us, but what any type of abuse does (I’ve never suffered sexual abuse, thanks be to God) is it strips you of your power. You are affected by whatever it is that is hurting you, but you don’t want to be. I was bulliesd at school when I was young and those words and that treatment affected my whole life. I hated that I was weak enough toPp be so easily affected and yet I felt I had no power to make it stop. So, when I had the chance to be “stronger” than someone else, I took full advantage. I said things to hurt and humiliate people on purpose and acted as if I didn’t care about what people said.
It didn’t work. It took years for me to really understand and acknowledge how deeply I was affected by everything and attack it at the root. With God it is still a fight because abuse attacks your mind. However, it is a fight with much hope because we can guarantee our victory in God.
Dear Ms Cris Thank you for Sharing.
When you are like this , you are living a lie , bacause you pretent as if everything is ok while it is not. Living a false life
Kisses
What stood out to me in this message is that the strength was inside of her to overcome the abuse she went through and stop abusing others.
This shows me that when I am feeling weak or down or don’t believe that I can overcome something physically, I should remember that I do have the strength to overcome it I just need to believe it. Whatever I want I can get because the strength is in me….it’s in every single one of us we just need to believe it and fight against how we feel.
People who have been traumatized by sexual abuse may develop really dangerous coping mechanisms. As in this story wherein she wanted to portray strength by being able to manipulate and abuse others. But not only are those sexually abused suffer from this manipulative and abusive attitude. Usually those very insecure and emotionally needy people who are trying to hide their own face of sorrow put on the mask of nonchalant, stern, and arrogant personalities. But I guess Mrs. Cris’ intention for laying down the cards for these people is that they may have a better understanding of themselves and for us to better understand them. _Melody, UCKG Phil
This is a sad reality that most women go through. Notice, that I said “go through” and not “have to go through”. Life is hard, but what isn’t? I had to go through a similar experience, by hiding under a beautiful appearance and seeking the acceptance of others, I forgot to seek the One who will never judge me; but instead will love me unconditionally.
There are certain things that we do not have to go through in life, because we have seen others go through it and need to learn to have faith in ourselves. One thing, though, we just cannot do it without Jesus.
This morning I was looking at this very beautiful woman and I was even admiring her, but then I thought to myself “does she have Jesus?” It’s good and well to take care of ourselves, but first we have to seek to have a relationship with God.
Definitely many women could relate on this. I could relate myself a bit, especially there some things in me that I don’t know if it pleases me, the people behind me or my God. It’s like I want to be look good all the time before everybody, good feedback on what I wore on the service etc. Before not coming to church I use to abuse someones feelings, I want them to get hurt by my attitudes particularly in men that has a feelings for me, I made them have a higher expectations to me while, end up getting nothing. But now, I’m in the presence of God, I knew the truth and He set me free.
Thank you for this post.Mrs Cris.
Dear Mrs Christiane,
Thank you for the post. I would like to share my story as I can relate to the character. I’ll start with my family. ALL my family members on my father’s line are divorced. My father has a brother and a sister – all 3 of them are divorced. My grandparents had a horrible marriage, too. My grandfather was in love with a lady when he was young but she was not serious with him. She used him and broke his heart. After that he was on a mission to avenge on every woman that came his way. And he did. Including my grandmother – he was unfaithful to her, too.
I was growing up in a family with a lot of issues. My father was unfaithful to my mother. This was very humiliating as we knew who the person was. We lived in a small village where you know everything about everyone. You even know the name of your neighbour’s cat and dog. It was a shame. I did not trust men because of this and subconsiously would chose a boyfriend who was a total opposite to me (probably as an excuse to stop the relationship later). I was considered to be a good girl, shy, always studying, etc (“good” – you’ll see later) but I was always attracted to bad boys. If you put the 2 of us together, you’ll be wandering what on earth is in common between them. It would have to be the craziest person. If the guy was normal, I would find him boring and would run a mile from him. I did not understand marriages. I loved the weddings (2 days of partying) but honestly I did not understand why people get married. A relationship for me was a way to get to know the person, make him fall in love with me, dump him and move on to the next one. This was how I was thinking at that time. Subconsiously I was avenging on every man out there for what my father did to my mum, just like my grandfather did to the women. I could not explain why I was thinking that way. I was very traumatised but I could only understand that years later.
My first boyfriend was not crazy enough so I dumped him after 2 months. The guy tried to commit a suicide by jumping of the bridge. Luckily he survived. I did not have any remorse whatsoever. Inside of me I felt like I won, a cruel victory of some kind. On the other hand I did not do it on purpose. I did not want to harm anyone. I was always very friendly and nice to people. However, there would always be a point where the fear would kick in reminding me that it’s time to break the relationship. It was a way of protecting myself.
My 2nd boyfriend was a serial womaniser. I did not know it at that time. I was too young, inexperienced and naive. He only told me after 6 months when he opened up and shared his story which was exactly what my grandfather experienced. The guy was in love with a girl who was waiting for another one to come back from the army. She only spent time with him, did not want a serious relationship, dumped him and left him heart broken. After that he voweved that he would avenge on every girl for all that pain he had suffered. And that’s what he did. He was dating girls, made them fall in love with them and then dumped them. Some of them were coming to his place crying and begging him on their knees to get back together.He even received threats from guys from the neighbouring village that if they saw him there again, they would beat him up… I did not know anything about it but then I remembered that every week some girls were asking me how my boyfriend was. Now the guy was in love with me, he trusted me, he opened up and wanted a serious relationship. This really scared me. It was time to leave… My parents were discussing the divorce at that time. I did not want any realtionship, nothing at all. When I told him that I did not have any feelings for him, he nearly collapsed. We did say good bye to each other. I did not want to hurt him. I just did not want to go through what my parents and my whole family went through.
Then I came to London and had the worst relationship in my entire life with the craziest person EVER (that’s another story). That put me off men altogether. I built walls around me. I started thinking and analysing what was going on. I came to the conclusion that either I am immature and make wrong choices or there is something wrong with me. So I decided to stop all the dating until I was ready. I think it was a good decision.
Then I started attending UCKG. I learned a lot about the relationships, about myself about letting go of the past, etc. I do not want to make a man fall in love with me and then dump him any more. My love life is in God’s hands now and I know He is working. My blessing will come when I am ready to receive it. I always used to say that my love life is not a priority, it’s not even on the list of things that I want (probably sounds horrible from the mouth of a woman). Looking back I’ve gone a long way. l know that there are many things that need changing in me, I know that God is molding me and I also know that the blessing will come in its right time.
Dear Mrs Cris
I fully agree, when we want to pay revenge in any form it simply means that we have not met the Lord Jesus because only Him can heal our past wounds not the things or people of this world.
Dudu M
JHB-Park Station
Very Strong Most times we use our own strengh to defend our selfs but God is our defender
Hi Mrs Cris!
Yes, this rehab is another way of people to mask what is really going on though there are many ways also,when I used to suffer my own type of turmoil… which was loneliness and lack of self worth, I constantly felt that I was not the best in anything.
So I sought a attension by trying my best to be the center of attraction, by competing for anything fortunatly I didnt bother to murder the other person, becauce for others its the opposite they attack others to draw attension away from themselves to the other.
The bottom line is that, it didnt help to ease my low esteem. Until I found the love of my life – The Lord Jesus, I dont depend on others to complement me.
This is so true Mrs. Cris and many of us hide our pain behind shyness and fear and we end up hurting others and we abuse them because we want to defend ourselves in this way…Make up and beauty will never help us overcome what’s inside.
this is very true, you can never overcome by revenge it makes you even worse that is why there are people who are like monsters, because the bitterness of their past and that anger of revenge did not help but turned them into monsters. it is true overcoming your past is dealing with it in a positive way, working in your inner self because appearance can never heal you inside. proverbs says ‘ a cheerful heart is goo medicine, but a cruched spirit dries up the bones’. if you are well inside it also proceeds outside. but if you are not well inside, the outside will not be good as well.
thank you Mrs Chris
Thank you Mrs.Cris for this post,
Looking forward on her story.